This is always basically the highlight of the my year. A few samples:

37. Mitt Romney

Charges: America’s first clip-art presidential candidate, Romney is a strange mixture of game show host looks and android charm. A true flip-flopper, Romney’s ability to turn on an ideological dime is unparalleled, but his excuses are so inauthentic that even Republicans have trouble suspending their disbelief.

Exhibit A: “You can’t have freedom without religion, and you can’t have religion without freedom.”

Sentence: Strapped to the roof of his family car, which his dog attempts to drive across the country, but crashes horribly (because dogs can’t drive, of course). Romney’s flesh burns off in the ensuing fire, revealing him to be a standard protocol droid set to world domination mode. Narrowly edged out of primary race by Huckabee.

34. Joe Francis

Charges: The “brain” behind Girls Gone Wild, a series of videos documenting the decline of American civilization, Francis is the Ray Kroc of tit shots. A whinging, muppet-faced, juvenile smut-peddler who obtusely compares his artless, homogenized flesh surfeit to “European television,” he proves daily that alcohol is the original date rape drug, and still the best. Has sapped flashing of its spontaneity, transforming it into merely another sad, numbing cultural reflex. Makes one guiltily long for the days when puritanism forced more gifted pornographers to exercise restraint.

Exhibit A: Pathologically entrepreneurial, he reputedly exhorts his cameramen by shouting “I want taco!”

Sentence: Cast as lead in first mass-market snuff film.

17. Hillary Clinton

Charges: Began in politics as a teenage Nixon supporter — that’s twisted. Moved on to corporate law, representing Wal-Mart and bravely defending Coca-Cola from disabled employees. Married out of ambition. Failed miserably as the first lady of health care. Has spent whole of senatorial career as a hawk and a panderer. Would have no shot at becoming president if she didn’t just happen to be married to one already.

Exhibit A: Has deftly avoided the flip-flopper label — by never, ever answering a question directly or committing to a position in the first place.

Sentence: Victim of vast right wing conspiracy to shove a brick up her ass.

What are you waiting for? Go and read the rest!

§1947 · December 28, 2007 · Tags: , , , ·

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