A Modest Construct

Rusty fills out gaby’s dating application. Oh, I just can’t resist the temptation to flash back to high school activities I never actually engaged in.

• Name: Helio
• Birth date: ‘85
• Weight: 150lbs
• Height: 6′6″

1. Do you think sex is a shameful sin? No.
2. Do you believe the person who invented condoms went to hell body and soul, like it says in the bible? Hardy har har, you crazy Catholics. To answer your question, no.
3. Do you wonder what your mother would think of you while you’re making out with someone? If I thought of my mother while I was making out, I don’t think I’d be making out for very long. Talk about shooting a man’s horse.
4. Do you sleep in the same bed as your mother? No, but I do often sleep with cats.
5. Are you catholic? No.
6. Are you a hardcore religious person? (Opus Dei followers need not apply) No, but I do wear the cilice as a gothic fashion accessory. Nothing says “well-adapted” like self-mutilation.
7. Are you buddhist, wicca, jehovah witness or scientologist? No.
8. Have you considered becoming a priest? No.
9. Have you ever worn a Livestrong bracelet? Only briefly. But then I felt like I schmuck—it takes a lot of ball to be like Lance Armstrong.
10. Would you describe yourself as metrosexual? Aside from buying jeans at Buckle, no. I’m too lazy.
11. Are you bisexual? No.
12. Would you describe yourself as more dominant, or more submissive? Submissive.
13. Are you willing to watch chick flicks AND cheap horror with me every now and then? I’ve done the chick flicks; horror not so much. But for every cheesy movie, we also have to watch an indie film.
14. Do you talk during movies? Only to complain about how unrealistic it is.
15. Do you chew gum? If so, do you chew gum with your mouth open or closed? Sometimes, though I prefer Altoids or some other hard mint; and I don’t chew with my mouth open, though I have been known on occasion to open my mouth when I’m concentrating.
16. Do you think metal music is satanic? On the bands that claim to be.
17. Are you racist? “I hate everyone equally regardless of skin colour or nationality.” (I stole this from Rusty)
18. Is [sic] any of your friends racist? Eh, not really.
19. What is your opinion on Harry Potter? If you mean the series, they’re ok. Entertaining, but not on a billion-dollar scale.
20. Do you have a fotolog? No.
21. Do you confuse “there” for “their” or “should of” instead of “should have”? (For Spanish speakers, do you spell “que” as “ke”, “a ver” as “haber”, etc?) I’m pretty anal about grammar, so my mistakes in areas like this are minimal.
22. Approximately how many books do you read per year? Last year, 64. This year, I’m on track to read between 70 and 90, depending.
23. Are you a punctual person? Depends on the event. I tend to be late for work by a few minutes, but I still get in before my boss so nobody gives a damn.
24. Do you look at porn every now and then, or is it an evil sin? Porn’s pretty blasé. I used to, during puberty.
25. Do you enjoy sex? That’s kind of a stupid question.
26. Are you vain? I can be an arrogant prick sometimes, but generally I’m ok.
27. Do you buy a lot of things you don’t need, especially clothes? I buy more gadgets and CDs than I should.
28. Do you write poetry? Yes, though not as much as I used to.
29. Describe your fashion style. Summer is jeans, t-shirt or polo, and flipflops or sandals. Winter is jeans, generally a brown shoe, and a sweater.
30. Describe your idea of a romantic date. A nice dinner and lots of moonlight.
31. Do you smoke? No.
32. How about pot? No.
33. Do you use any drug? Caffeine, alcohol, aspirin.
34. Do you enjoy drinking alcohol? I enjoy certain beers and certain wines and the occasional mixed drink (Coke & Capt. Morgan), but I don’t enjoy alcohol for the sake of alcohol.
35. What is your computer’s wallpaper? In the Lake.
36. What is your msn nickname? Don’t have one. Can’t be arsed to join MSN.
37. Would you be able to remember my birthday? I’m good for a certain number of memories, but generally I’m pretty scatterbrained. Birthdays, though, I can handle.
38. How many dates would you go out with me before kissing me? I’m a pansy; my current girlfriend had to kiss me first (I think third date)
39. Are you fickle? Very. I get it from my mother’s side.
40. What is your political orientation? Quite liberal, but with some old-school conservatism at times.
41. Are you vegetarian or vegan and if so, do you feel superior to or disgusted by carnivores? Vegetarian for seven years; I’m back to eating meat now.
42. Do you like animals? With a bit of salt and pepper, yes. (Seriously, I’m a pet lover, esp. cats, of which my family has four)
43. Are you able to kill a roach on command? I’ve had to learn to kill spiders on command, so yes, but I won’t like it, and I might whimper like a little girl.
44. Do you have any STD? No.
45. What is your opinion of strip clubs? Waste of time. Skanky girls, drunk horny men.
46. Would you describe yourself as needy? No; actually, I’m very independent.
47. Do you enjoy traveling? Yes and no; I’m a bit like Macon.
48. Do you plan to have children some day? Historically, no. But I guess it’s not something I can easily write off.
49. Are you willing to commit? Yes.
50. Do you appreciate black humor and sarcasm? Yes, though moreso when it’s not directed at me
51. Do you eat with your mouth open? I sure hope not. I tend to slurp soup, though.
52. Do you have a good sense of orientation? Not really. I’m also bad with directions.
53. Do you enjoy camping and being outdoors? I’m very much a city boy. I like nature walks as much as the next guy, but camping is a bit beyond the pale for me.
54. Do you like rap or hip hop music? Unless you count Dälek or Sage Francis, no.
55. Are you a virgin and if so, is it because you’re saving yourself for marriage? [answer not viewable]. I’m not really concerned with marriage; just with a serious, mutually-committed relationship.
56. Have you had more than 10 sexual partners? (oral sex doesn’t count) No. I’m curious as to why you don’t want oral sex to count. (”Thirty-seven?!”)
57. Are you loud? Not at all. In fact, most people have a hard time hearing my voice, which is both low and soft.
58. Do you have any fetish? Well, first we get a couple live rats and some ballpoint pen springs, then No.
59. Do you have any mental disease? No.
60. Do you tuck your shirt inside your pants? Underwear like t-shirts or wifebeaters get tucked in. Outer shirts don’t, at least for casual dress.
61. Do you like children? I like them fine if I don’t have to deal with them. Or hear them. Or talk to them.
62. What are your favorite TV shows, if any? House, Mythbusteres, MacGyver, Quantum Leap, Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, The Daily Show
63. Are you able to laugh at yourself? Yes.
64. Are you professionally ambitious? I’m passionate about what I do, but the environments I’ve seen so far don’t make me excited for the working world.
65. Are you greedy? Selfish, maybe, but not quite greedy.
66. Do you like stand-up comedy? Yes.
67. Would you break up with me if I got into a horrible accident and got deformed? Depends on where we were in the relationship. I have no delusions about my own deficiences as a person, so I couldn’t promise that I wouldn’t leave if we’d been seeing each other a couple of months and you were suddenly a B-movie monster.
68. Do you love me or think eventually you would? “This is a strange question for something that isn’t a dating application.” (Rusty). Even for a dating application, it’s a bit strange (Helio).
69. Do you live in my city? I don’t think so.

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