Last updated 2 May 2006. Get the PDF
In The Beginning, there was God. Of course, this isn’t very specific at all. God existed, so to speak, at 7.41 am on a very drab Tuesday morning. At the time, God found temporality to be very boring, so he hitched up his pants and stretched himself across eternity, so that all moments that have, do, and will exist are recurrently transpiring. And quite frankly, this was boring too, so God decided to create.
I. In Which God Finds Good Help
Every God needs a servant or two, the Lord thought, so he existed himself an army of angels. There were angels for singing, angels for watching, angels that smelled good. There was briefly a line of angels that spontaneously broke into fits of modern dance, but God unexisted them because they reminded him too much of Rent. Most importantly, there were angels for killing people. Of course, God didn’t like the word “kill,” so he used “smite,” which sounds funnier and less menacing.
II. In Which God Makes Himself
And God said, “I Need A New Look,” because being a noncorporeal entity doesn’t do it for the ladies. So he said, “Let There Be A Dichotomy Of Gender!” and lo, there was, and God took upon himself the likeness of a man, and decreed that from this point forward, he shall always be referred to as a He, and always with capital letters.
And it was good.
III. In Which God Builds
Then God wanted a house, but He had to make it big, what with all the angels He had, and being infinite in width and breadth.
So He built a massive palace with gates of pearl only to find out that the wiring was completely inadequate, and He went through three shades of blue paint before He was happy with the motif in the 2nd floor dining room.
IV. In Which God Makes An Enemy
But all was not well in God’s house, because one of His angels didn’t like his position.
There was one named Lucifer (Ialdabaoth, to his friends) who was having a really bad day: he spilled coffee on his flowing robes at breakfast, but didn’t have any clean ones. His wing had a few bent feathers, so he almost swerved into Abdiel on the way to work. When he got there, God passed him in the hallway and made a smart remark, and it was too much for Lucifer to take.
So he said, “Yea, wherefore bow we to God? Certainly we are of a number to defeat Him, and then we could rule Heaven without the constant belittlement and jokes about how small our wings are. Who’s with me?”
And lo, a few of that number—the more rebellious angels who sported pierced ears, acid wash jeans, and Jesus Loves Me tattoos—raised their fists in defiance.
And God said, “You’re not the brightest, are you?” and soundly flicked them all in the skull. Then He remembered that He was supposed to be a vengeful Old Testament god, so He smote them all with a flaming sword and sent them all spiraling down into a deep pit of fire and brimstone and molten rock where the heretical angels lost their wings and robes, turned red and scaly, and grew horns and pointy tails. Basically, they ended up looking like the Punker movement of the 1980s, only with less plaid and about the same amount of wailing.
And Lo, there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
V. In Which Satan Has Style
Lucifer did what he could with the place, like putting a nice rug in the vestibule and organizing his new home in concentric circles, kind of an homage to French New Wave. But the air conditioner he installed went terribly awry, and it got so cold that he woke up one day frozen in a block of ice, and spoke thus: “Goddammit!”
And lo, the ceiling parted and the voice of God resounded like a thousand trumpets: “Too late.”
And there was a rimshot. And it was good.
VI. In Which God Creates The Earth
God created a universe in which He put a multitude of stars and planets, including one which He named Earth. First, He divided the light from the darkness. Later, He wished He had installed a dimmer switch.
Then, He separated the land from the water and populated both with plants and beasts. As an afterthought, He created the duck-billed platypus, because God has a sense of humour. When God made the animals, He made them all herbivorous, so there was no carnage or Discovery Channel clips of a lion biting a sick gazelle on the rump. No one heard the plants shrieking in agony, but God didn’t give them voices for precisely that reason.
VII. In Which God Creates Man
But God looked at His creation and said, “All they do is run around, sniffing each others’ crotches.” And so He took the dirt and formed it into a man, which He called Adam, which means “Father Of Men.” Adam blinked his eyes, looked at the size of his penis, and shouted “Is that it?”
But by himself, Adam was lonely and spent all his time watching rodents in heat. So God took a rib from Adam and from it made a woman and called her Eve. But He made sure that she was covered with a fig leaf at all times.
And He gave to them the Garden of Eden, which was an earthly paradise, full of fruit trees and lazy animals. His only order was that they never partake of the Fruit Of The Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good And Evil (or “apple” to the laymen).
For a while, all was well, as Adam and Eve went about naming the beasts as they continued sniffing each other.
VIII. In Which Man Falls Into Sin
During this time, Lucifer was busy decorating Hell with paper maché humans in various contortions of agony, so mediæval artists would have to detail every single one of them when they made paintings.
One day, Lucifer gave himself in the form of a snake and slithered into the Garden, where he worked his way into Eve’s confidence by insisting that she did not look fat in that fig leaf, and helping her polish off a quart of Rocky Road ice cream.
Then he convinced her to partake of the Fruit Of The Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good And Evil, after which she forced Adam to as well, by threatening to make him sleep on the couch.
And lo, there was a crash of thunder, and a roaring as of waves, and the sky was as fire. And the voice of the Almighty God spoke, “Curse you all men, who have disobeyed me!”
And Adam turned to Eve and said, “Hey, we’re naked.”
God continued, “Silence, mortal! Indeed, from this day forth, you are cast out of this paradise, to which you may never return. And there will be no more free beer from the Tree Of The Tap Of Miller Genuine Draft. From now on, you will have to work all day making Powerpoint Presentations for an indifferent vice president who’s ten years younger than you. And it’ll be cold. And rocky. And having kids will be akin to stretching your lower lip over your head.
“And you, Satan, will become an iconic symbol of evil, and kids will dress up like you for Halloween until the end of the age. And anyone here on earth who pisses Me off, I will send to you to put up with for eternity. Soon, I will send My son to earth to forgive the sins of Man, and He’ll pop your skull like a ripe grapefruit.
“The Lord your God has spoken, and now My voice is scratchy from being all cool and boomy. I need a drink.”
Lucifer was cast back into Hell, and Adam and Eve were thrown out of the Garden, wearing itchy burlap tunics, and there was even more weeping and a shitload of gnashing of teeth.
IX. In Which We See Sibling Rivalry
And Adam knew Eve, and pretty soon a couple of kids popped out, and Adam thought he was pretty hot stuff, though the truth is, Eve faked it.
They had two kids, Cain and Able, who were always fighting and spitting on each other and smiting each others’ duck-billed platypi.
One day, they were supposed to give gifts to God, even though God can make Himself anything He wants. Cain put some vegetables on a big stone altar, and Abel slaughtered a lamb and spilled the blood all over Cain’s squash.
And Cain spoke thus: “What’s the big idea?”
And Abel said, “Don’t whine.”
And Cain said, “I’m gonna start swinging this big rock, and if you get hit, it’s your own fault.”
And Abel said, “If you hit me, I’m gonna tell Mo-ack!” and was smote thusly by Cain and fell dead in the field.
The clouds broke like fine china, and the field was as fire, and the sky as pitch. And the voice of God thundered as a hundred-score of maddened hooves. “Cain, My son, what have you done?”
And Cain pointed to the dead lamb and said, “He did it.” And God sighed, rubbed his temples, and said, “First it was the ‘God Wears Women’s Clothing’ graffiti, and now this! You are now banished, a fugitive upon the earth, and all your bloodline will be cursed. And you will dwell in the East, in the land of Nod.”
And the mighty finger of God flicked the little twerp into the East. And the Lord looked at the blood all over the place, sighed, and went to get a mop.