The Beast is at it again.

48. Larry the Cable Guy

Charges: The absolute nadir of the American South’s baffling cultural hegemony. A middle-class Nebraskan, raised in Palm Beach, whose parents sent him to private school, masquerading as an Appalachian mutant and making millions off the nine-toed cyclopes in his audience by calling his material “blue collar,” when it’s really just a celebration of proud ignorance. The latest in a long line of “entertainers” propagating the lie that real talent is elitist. The South has risen again—just long enough to grab the rest of the nation by the legs and pull it back down to its Lovecraftian depths. Isn’t even “bad funny.” Makes Jeff Foxworthy look like Chris Rock.

Exhibit A: Ostensibly ‘humorous’ catchphrase translates into “complete the task.”

Sentence: Sent back in time for the sole purpose of having Mark Twain’s cigars extinguished on his face.

40. Tom Cruise

Charges: Criminal narcissism. After mega-lawyer Bert Fields threatened to sue The BEAST over Cruise’s inclusion in last year’s Loathsome List, we responded by giving him the editorial finger, and bracing ourselves for the legal spanking of our lives. Instead, the episode seemed to trigger a cascading ego crisis, culminating in a rapid and irrecoverable image downgrade from exalted idol to ridiculous buffoon. From his laughable claim of psychological expertise to his worst acting performance ever—as a man in love—Cruise simply cracked up on camera in 2005, and a public hitherto willing to overlook his obsessively inauthentic personality and comical religious affiliation had finally had enough. Cruise is a perfect example of a person who is simultaneously in love with and completely unfamiliar with himself, living in perpetual fear of self-actualization, and asserting a legal right to live free of criticism. A guy who can do whatever the hell he wants, yet chooses to devote his life to maintaining the public perception that he is somebody else.

Exhibit A: “I care man, I care. I care about you. I care about your children. I care about these people here in this room. Every one of you. And I…I mean it. That is not just some words to me. That is a promise.” Seriously, can’t even act like a human being.

Sentence: A lifetime of forced, joyless sex with famously beautiful women, only to have his colossal gay porn library posthumously bequeathed to the Smithsonian by bitter, unloved offspring.

30. Hillary Clinton

Charges: Let’s face it: one reason the Republicans have done so well in recent elections (aside from touch screen voting machines) is that they are consistent in their views, however nuts they are, while “new Democrats” like Clinton are willing to hump every fence they come across. Hillary’s recent triangulation on issues like flag-burning and naughty video games has no right-wing equivalent in reality, but it would be something like Alaska Senator Ted Stevens launching a campaign against logging. Claims to pray all the time, which even her supporters know is bullshit.

Exhibit A: Will probably cause yet another tragic Republican presidency.

Sentence: Designated cookie-baker for Feminists for Life.

Check out the rest!

§955 · January 24, 2006 · Tags: , , ·

Leave a Reply