Imagine for a moment that you are a very competent chef. You’ve been cooking and baking for years, and everyone respects your culinary skills. One day, a friend informs you that s/he’s having the damnedest luck baking a cake, and s/he wants you to come over and see what s/he’s doing wrong. So you go and watch as they bake their cake.

They throw the eggs in the bowl whole, not bothering to remove the shells.

Instead of regular shortening, they use a 3-year-old bucket of Hooper’s Gen-u-wine Lard.

They substitute packets of Sweet n’ Low (also unwrapped) for confectioner’s sugar.

They substitute flour for baking soda, because “it looks the same.”

Finally, instead of a cream cheese frosting, they use a Cheez Whiz frosting, because it was already in their pantry.

Now I ask you, as a chef, and as a reasonable human being, wouldn’t you be violently possessed by the urge to toss this friend into a big polymer vat and laminate them for archiving in the Glossy Colour Photo Edition of the Darwin Awards?

Yet, people do this kind of nonsense with computers all the time, and then they want me to kiss it and make it all better. 3 out of 4 times, it’s not a fatal error, or a virus, or a hacker; it’s just plain old idiocy on the part of the people, installing stupid programs like CometCursor or Gator or Bonzai Buddy, having a million redundant programs that all want to start at once, devouring system memory like Roseanne at a bake sale.

Sometimes, though, I calm down and think to myself, “Maybe I’m being too harsh on these poor people. Just because I’m good with computers doesn’t mean they automatically are.”

And then they yell at me for throwing out their cake. Retards.

§320 · March 9, 2004 · ·

1 Comment to “I need to bake the cake? Since when?”

  1. abou says:

    Well, look at it this way…you don’t have to live in the oven. :(

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